Ambition is so attractive.
So many of my friends are artists and are becoming more and more successful, and prolific. Creating their little pieces of work and getting recognition. I couldn’t be more proud. I have grown up alongside some really special people and I feel like we are all in this together.
Then all at once.
The biggest reevaluation has been set in motion. The whole idea, the whole concept of what matters to me has started to change. It’s been changing for a while now, but it hasn’t felt this clear. I’ve been looking for a platform, an outlet, a task, a demand, something to attach myself and my abilities to, in order to feel wanted and significant - i’ve been searching for my identity (again). Because my old identity sort of collapsed, and was put aside. Out of my own doing of course. I was the one that forced it to collapse, I did the collapsing myself with my own two hands, because I wanted to. I was addicted to the attention, not the technique of it all. I didn’t care so much about the rehearsals that took place between the hours of 8 to 6. I just liked that people cared, that people were intrigued, and that people wanted to know what might happen next.
And so now, I literally feel that it is my responsibility to find that sense of belonging again. I like being useful. I like to contribute. I need to know that I matter, and I so very much want to make a difference to someone’s life.
I did some sorting out, a bit of a shuffle in my mind, and I realised that the dream has sort of become a nightmare. The fantasy didn’t actually become tangible. I had a grand plan of how my life was going to unfold and it never happened. I’ve always been just on the edge, not quite out, but not quite in. And that can become difficult and painful and that is when the doubt becomes apparent and the fear begins to take hold. I always viewed plan B as failing. I didn’t want to even take a glimpse at plan B. And that was my own insecurity, my own warped perception of what ‘success’ is and how to get to ‘it’. And what ‘it’ even means.
I’m looking at plan B again and it’s not looking so scary any more. It feels like a saviour in a way. It might just be the thing that helps me to find Brendan again. Because it really does matter, it really does. No one wants to drift, without reason, without purpose. We all have something to offer.
I’m actually seeing things again, for what they really are, and the feelings have started to return. The emotion. The energy. I’m looking forward to this new chapter. I feel like maybe I was always destined to arrive at this very place anyway, and here I am. And it will be okay. And maybe I will find everything that i’ve been looking for. And sure, it’s going to look different, because it’s a different story to the one I told myself all of those years growing up. But maybe this is the story that will actually make me happy. And if that’s the case, then I am so very grateful and I am so very ready to begin.
"It’s not lost on me that I’m so busy recording life, I don’t have time to really live it. I’ve become like one of those people I hate, the sort who go to the museum and, instead of looking at the magnificent Brueghel, take a picture of it, reducing it from art to proof. It’s not ‘Look what Brueghel did, painted this masterpiece’ but ‘Look what I did, went to Rotterdam and stood in front of a Brueghel painting!’"
David Sedaris (via slangtang)
"And that’s the most frustrating thing about depression. It isn’t always something you can fight back against with hope. It isn’t even something — it’s nothing. And you can’t combat nothing. You can’t fill it up. You can’t cover it. It’s just there, pulling the meaning out of everything."
sansremords said: Hey man, I'm in Vegas atm and hating it haha but I'm off to New York tomorrow. What are you up to in Aus?
Hey bud. New york is great. I’ve been there in the winter, at christmas time and it was like a dream. You will love it. Make sure to check out the Soho and Greenwich Village neighbourhoods. Brooklyn is also pretty sick. Oh man, i wish i was there. I’m currently relaxing on a late saturday arvo, staying warm while catching up on my favourite blogs etc. Australia is good ;)
Shaving head and joining cult. Ciao.
Zero creativity left.
That night I slept for a total of an hour, and cried for about eight.